I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
