Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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