Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
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oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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