I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
