Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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