i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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