God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
