Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
