Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Terrible idea I love it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
