Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
