just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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