Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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