this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
