Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
