I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
