I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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