you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
