You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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