I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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