Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
