apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
