Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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