somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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