Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she told me i tasted like america
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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