I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
