Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
