it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
