I think I won the penis lottery.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
