I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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