ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
