They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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