Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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