Pappa wants mamma naked
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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