i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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