He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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