I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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