Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
