As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
