Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
