I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sponge bath it is.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
