never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
