I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
