my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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