Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
