its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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