He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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