I cannot find my penis.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize