I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
