I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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