it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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