I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
