You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
