does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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