i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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