Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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