if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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