i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
