Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
